and probably most days the last few weeks. I don’t hold hope close to my chest anymore - and that’s not really a bad thing. Expectations are dangerous: hope is the step between dreams and actuality. And they can starve your sense of opportunity and success in the trenches of reality. Hope is that aspect that says everything will go right, correct itself, advance, and establish a prospective goal in the future. But few things go as planned, even fewer things work out right. For many, albeit some truly blessed people, there are way more losses and diversions from those dreams. In a large fashion this is what I’ve walked away from.
This isn’t: don’t dream. This is: don’t work in the tract that things will go right or as planned or as hoped. Things will probably go wrong - and how are you going to deal with it? What’s the context of the missed goal, or missed romance, or missed opportunity that maybe you weren’t ready for or able to grab? That is the real determinate of truth and future prospects: handling it. Adapting to the truth and moving with that. This also means there are moments where the stress and/or disappointment of a failure of hope controls your mind — but you don’t know shit! Time passes and you find that failure was necessary or important to your own development. You never know, but sometimes things just work out the way they need to, in direct conflict to what you hoped.
That’s where I’m at now - and I’ll admit a lot of things just seem to keep falling through. But I feel less caught up by it, you can only get smacked around so many times by your own anger and feeling of “just never good enough”. The constant conflict between being told that you are good, and not the person you torment yourself as — and the fact that this conflict will most likely rule my world. (I’ve fought depression off for most of my life. The epilepsy and my history of embarrassment from it. The family issues - and probably the inherent set of nervous system and emotional issues culminating from it). I’ve hoped my physical problems would go away, and that my career would be moving much faster, and that my equipment for both work and music were better, and that I would have a stronger relationship with my extended family: but things are the way they are. They have always been challenges to my spirit and hoping for the best isn’t sufficient anymore, or even an efficient expenditure of my heart and time.
This is not: don’t dream. This is a relinquishing of the term Hope.